After a nice deep nap and some time away from people and a phone call to offload all my fears to a friend I finally came to peace with my start stop labor of the week. I remembered that this was a new baby a new pregnancy and a new birth, and I forgot about my expectations of what labor was about or how it should go being my third baby, and even let go of those thoughts I held on to about having such a hard emotional pregnancy would guarantee me a nice easy birth.

So it’s about 2pmish the house wakes, up my children and mum now are up and about and my tightenings are here and there. Unsure of what was going to evolve throughout the day and night I was unsure whether to treat myself as if I was in labour or to just get on about the business of the day… I decided to act as if I was in labour and told mum to take the kids for me while I just pottered around the house.

I spent the afternoon resting in bed or on the couch or going outside and playing with the kids or talking to mum, while my tightenings kept on. I just did what I wanted to do. If the kids wanted me I told them to go to their yiayia (grandma) if I felt like speaking to my family was a bit much I would go and rest. If I felt a tightening coming while speaking to mum I would leave her presence and breath through it.

At some point before dinner the surges picked up and I had to change they way I breathed through them. I now had to hold onto a bench and sort of hang and rock of it, at this point I told mum that finally I was in labor and now I needed to swing through these and she would have to leave the room if she was uncomfortable.

I got her to move the futon out from the wall so I could lay down on it but get up and swing off the back rail when I needed it. Mum continued with the kids I continued to labor among them bit not really with them.

I was loving it. Being in my home and laboring with calm feeling supported, (actually feeling supported by my mum) and freely moving and doing anything I needed to from one moment to the next. I felt like a cat in labor to me this was the most magical feeling.

Maybe a phone call form my doula or midwife about now asking me how things where going if they where going, maybe I said yes this was it not sure. But I would call later if they picked up.

Dinnertime I was ravenous, I had a nice light but filling dinner, actually I was hungry all day and ate small snacks all afternoon. In the middle of dinner I had two strong surges and got up from the table and swung from the kitchen sink while my family kept eating their dinner behind me.

Mum bathed the kids, I went back to my futon and continued to labor there, I think at this time the surges stepped up another notch and became a little more regular and closer together. I know I couldn’t lay down with the kids to put them to bed because it took to long to get up find something to swing off, by the time I got to hang off something I could almost interpret the surges as painful so I had to stand and sing and swing for them to sleep instead.

I think it makes it now 7pmish kids a sleep, mum went out for a bit and I was home alone. I had to switch the lights out it felt better in the dark. A phone call from someone maybe mw maybe doula (sorry!) shared the update but wasn’t ready for anyone to come yet. I still had a fear that if anyone was going to come in to my space I would feel an expectation to birth a baby and then things would stop. And besides I was having too much fun laboring on my own.

I jumped in the shower and filled the bath, and continued in the water. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked marvellous, my skin glistening with water my face illumined with life and body full of birth. I was sensual, sexy and incredibly beautiful. I had a second of mourning that I couldn’t share this with a man and knew how orgasmic a kiss from a man would be right now. As I looked out my window I saw a magnificent spider instead, and I knew instead I had all the woman of the past with me. I swung like a monkey through my surges and together the spider and I labored her on her web and me with my baby.

Mum comes home and I hop out of the water for a bit, I go back into my bedroom where I had made a nest the night before I am feeling a little restless I cant get comfortable, I cant find an effective way to work through the surges, so I go back to the water a stay in there for a bit but still nothing seems to really get it. I have this urge to go back to my room and lay down for a bit. It feels like the surges stop for a while and I feel my baby move inside. She is turning her whole body her head turning on my cervix, it is agony to remain on my side through a surge but there is a strong feeling of staying put and allowing my baby to turn and shift her position, my pelvis clicks a few times and she settles in my pelvis and stops. I jump up glad that I could move again the surges now certainly have shifted and seem to be all directed in my back and right hip.

I leave my room I go back to the water. My mind and thinking are starting to slow down and I feel myself just being. I leave the bathroom and find the laundry sink, here I plant myself, and here I start to moo as my whole body moves and rolls through the surges hanging off the sink. There is pain, I feel my baby’s feet kick my stomach and I realised she has sunk into op and she wasn’t going anywhere.

I transcend the pain and moo and dance

I call my mw “I need help” she is 40mins away my doula an hour plus.

My mum comes down to ask me if I was alright, I asked is she? I said my team was on there way I am doing fine baby in dodgy position.

I have flashes of my dreams of birthing my baby on my own into my arms, but the pushing never comes the pain remains.

I call again “how far are you” mw is not far. I transcend that pain again into my moo and dance and wait and labor.

I only have flashes from here on, the pain in my back and pelvis I cannot explain all I know is I found a place very deep and raw within where no thoughts reside, nothing outside of me existed, I was free, although captive to this labor and its pain my spirit was free my energy powerful my heart overwhelmed. At times the pain would wash me into conscience and would cry as the surge left my body knowing it was only minutes before I was engulfed again. My body was loud but I was quiet. My body was in action while I was far away observing. I started to feel unsafe being so far within with no one outside to protect me, my mw arrives and I feel safe.

I know no one can do anything, I don’t want anyone to do anything, and I need to stay deep within to do this I am scared to come to the surface. The surface is where the pain is.

I am on the floor on all fours, I try and not panic. I need to swing I need to swing help me I cannot talk. My midwife my sweet intuitive midwife crawls next to me, I crawl onto her back I bury myself in her warm flesh and feel so much love, I have never been so supported in my life before that someone would crawl to assist me, my panic leaves and I relish the flesh on flesh contact. There is only room for woman here

I am in the bath, I don’t like it but I want to stay, I don’t want to move again, I hear my doula arrives I hear the birth pool pump, so loud, teasing me with its offering of comfort not quite ready for me. Oh no I am thinking the pain the pain

“what’s going on”, I ask.

I feel like the surges are creeping into my safe place its getting harder to keep the pain out. I know right now this is my time, this is my time what do I choose to do, this pain is engulfing it feels everlasting I cannot see the end, where is the pushing I am waiting for my body to push it must be soon, how much longer and then

*ROAR*

the pushing is not coming it says this is not Taelens birth, this is not going to be easy she is not going to turn

*ROAR*

you have to let go, let go, let go let go of everything

*ROAR*

you need to push

once I pushed with the surges I felt like I was doing something, like I was somehow on top of the pain again I could defeat it, it could not consume me if I did not let it.

My roar that sprung from every cell of my body was life itself, with it it brought me strength with it brought energy, it was powerful it was angry it was love it was everything and it was so raw it was nothing.

I am in the birth pool my face smashed up against the edge, my roar took care of me just when I thought I would get lost in the pain she would growl more powerful more stronger and with more conviction. She held me close while she did the work.

“Ok” I feel the head. I feel her move through my cervix it feels like I have to push my baby out from my womb, my body is pushing but my roar is what is in charge, she dictates she leads. My body must surrender.

My pelvis opens she expands and moulds my baby’s journey out, as she descends the pain is engulfing not even my mighty roar can steal my right to feel the pain, in one smooth swoop her head is born, as my body holds her turning body I am between worlds, one of holding life the other of giving life, one final roar and my daughter is born.

PS: After debriefing with my mw and doula we suspect she was brow presentation at some point.