Jessica’s life began with a vision that came to me while talking with my dearest friend, Amanda, in the kitchen one afternoon. I was telling her that I didn’t want any more children but I had a feeling that one was coming and there was little I could do about it. I then had a vivid image present itself in my mind of a dark haired baby girl called Jessica. I told my friend of my apparition and she suggested a tarot reading to see if it might help validate it. Sure enough, the tarot reading spoke of a baby who would be born in October, which meant I would be pregnant in two months time! Soon after, Amanda and I got a tattoo, a matching lotus flower, which I designed to mark our 19 year friendship. Two months later, I was pregnant! Jessica was on her way! I booked into the Birth Centre as I had done with all three of my past pregnancies and I chose my favourite midwife, Victoria, to be my care provider. From the very start of my pregnancy I was anxious about having a really fast labour, not making it to the birth centre and having the baby in the car or alone at home. I always felt that my birth ideal was an unassisted birth, but once I could see that this may actually become a reality, I realised I had a great deal of work to do on many levels, spiritually and mentally. I also had to work on undoing the strong conditioning that birth is intrinsically dangerous. I spent much of my pregnancy talking through my feelings and fears surrounding freebirthing with my husband, Glenn, my Doula, Rae, and the wonderful women on the Joyous Birth and Alternative Baby forums. Even though I was booked into the Birth Centre and had a wonderful midwife, I knew the only place I would be comfortable giving birth would be at home.

Due to there not being any Independent Midwives available in my state, I felt my only option was to birth at home unassisted, desired or not. Glenn and I spent many long hours discussing the birth and our options. We wanted to do what we felt was safest for our baby and I and the more we researched the more we realised that the safest place for our baby to be born was at home with just the two of us. I experienced many moments of fear and doubt about freebirthing and at times would give in to these fears altogether and at those times would make plans to birth at the Birth Centre. In fact, I changed my mind so often about where I was going to birth, that in the end Glenn and I decided to just leave it open. What will be, will be and should I decide to go into the BC, I would and if not, I would just stay home. In my heart I knew I would be birthing at home. A lovely friend, Mary, suggested that I self-hypnotise and while under hypnosis, ask my baby where she would like to be born. So that night while, lying in bed, I got myself into a nice deep state of hypnosis. I then asked my baby to tell me in a dream where she wished to be born. Early that morning I had a vivid dream that I gave birth to a dark haired baby girl, at home. She was born without complication and breathed straight away. She had quite a bit of mucus in her mouth with made her catch her breath a bit, but it cleared and she was fine. Towards to end of my pregnancy I had several bouts of strong Braxton Hicks contractions usually every 6 minutes or so and lasting about 4 to 6 hours before petering out. A bout of warm-up labour-my relaxed uterus And now a contraction! About a week before my EDD, I had a vivid dream. I dreamed that I was in a room alone with my mother. In front of me was a small tank of back pebbles, the same as those that, in real life, guests decorated at my recent Blessingway which my mother was unable to attend. In the dream my mother asked me to turn away while she placed a pebble in the tank. I then had to turn back and guess which one she had placed. When I looked back, I saw there was a clear quartz crystal in the tank. I knew I had to hold on to it and this would help ease me into labour.

Upon waking I felt drawn to quartz crystal and held one in my hand for a day feeling the calming energy resonate from it. I told my mother of the dream not long afterwards and she looked at me with tears in her eyes. She said, ‘I carry a quartz crystal in my pocket every day. You didn’t know that did you.’ No, I didn’t know that! My Blessingway candle, beads and pebbles up the back. On the 7th of October, Glenn and I had a busy day out looking at rental properties. We had been having trouble with our violent neighbours and were eager to move house. I had lost my birthing focus quite a bit as the need to relocate to a safe birthing place took over much of my thinking.

It helped me enormously to look at my Blessingway candles and beads, especially the pink rose bead and pink rose mandala at this time. This helped to divert my focus back to birthing. After arriving home Glenn and I put our two-year-old son, Jack, to bed. Our two daughters were happy playing and being busy parents of three children we saw this as an opportunity to enjoy some lovemaking. I was prepared for the usual BH contractions that follow having sex in late pregnancy. Sure enough, about three hours after, the contractions started. They were a little stronger than usual and I had my suspicions that perhaps these contractions would lead to the start of full labour. I got up out of bed while Glenn and Jack slept on. I thought it was good that Glenn had a sleep if we were to be up labouring during the night. I busied myself cleaning the kitchen and noted that when my daughters spoke to me during a contraction I felt intensely irritated. I felt this was a little strange and this reinforced my suspicion that labour wasn’t far away. I told my girls that I was having contractions and when they could see me having one, could they please not speak to me. My daughters were wonderful and followed my instructions beautifully. I could feel the pain of the contractions in my lower back, which was new to me, as I had only ever experienced labour in my lower abdomen. I was a bit worried that should labour pick-up that the contractions might remain in my back, which I would find really difficult to cope with. I decided to call my friend and Doula, Rae, to let her know that labour may be starting but I wasn’t sure yet. Plus I just needed to talk. She said she could hear that my voice sounded a little shaky. I noticed it too. I realised that I was nervous about labour starting. Clearly, I still hadn’t completely let go of all my fears of birthing alone. She suggested trying to relax with a warm shower. We continued talking and this distracted me from the contractions. I noticed that the contractions were slowing and were not as uncomfortable. Rae said that labour might pick up once the children were all in bed for the night. Then I could really relax and just let things happen. Once off the phone I tried to avoid my daughters and just focus on my body and my baby. The contractions soon picked up again, still about 6-10 minutes apart, still concentrated in my lower back and only mildly painful. I made my way into a room at the end of the house that I had prepared for birthing a few weeks before. It had become a little cluttered since then, but was still a nice quiet place to just be. I tried calling my midwife to get her opinion on what was happening but got her back-up midwife. I didn’t like the sound of her voice and was relieved when she told me that my midwife, Victoria, who I trusted and adored, would be back soon. Even though I knew that it was unlikely that my midwife would be there for the birth, (Birth Centre midwives in Canberra are not allowed to attend homebirths for insurance reasons) she would be there afterwards and I wanted her and not her back-up who I had never even met! She said she would pass on a message to Victoria that things may be starting to happen, but by the end of our conversation we were both pretty convinced that this was another practice run as the contractions slowed right down and became very mild. Once off the phone, the contractions pick up again, coming every 6 to 8 minutes and there was enormous pressure in my pelvic floor with each surge. I went with the surges opening my pelvis right up and really visualising my body opening. I still wasn’t in any real pain though; it was more like forceful energy than pain. My baby felt very low down with these surges. After Glenn and Jack got up I decided to call my mum as she was going to be looking after my children while I was labouring. I knew labour would be very quick once it started and I wanted her to be ready to come over at the drop of a hat. She timed the contractions, which started out at 5-8 minutes apart. Sure enough, as we continued talking the surges slowed and became very mild and I could speak through them easily. With that we agreed that this wasn’t ‘it.’ I decided then that the warm shower Rae suggested sounded like a good idea. While there, I had a couple of surges but they were only of the BH variety. I decided to try feeling for my cervix and while I couldn’t reach it, I noted that my vagina was extremely sensitive. My fingers in there felt horribly uncomfortable and I took this as my body telling me that my cervix was dilating and nothing should be entering my vagina so as to avoid infection.

After my shower I went to bed and Glenn gave me the most blissful back massage. I only had two mild BH’s in that time and was fully expecting to still be pregnant the following morning. I drifted off into a deep, dark sleep. At 2am I was abruptly awakened by the pain of a strong contraction. Labour had begun in earnest and I announced it to world with an uncontained roar. Seconds later I felt the intense sensation of my waters breaking with a force I found it quite frightening. It felt akin to two really strong pops or little explosions in my lower abdomen. I never expected to feel the sensation of my waters breaking in that area and it was a very alarming. I rolled out of bed, warm fluid dripping down my leg, yelling out as I did so. Glenn leaped out of bed confused and very concerned. I had suffered terribly throughout pregnancy with agonising ligament and abdominal muscle pain and Glenn asked me ‘what is it, is it ligaments, is it ligaments?’ I replied. ‘Contraction…my water has broken. Get me a towel.’ He raced off and fetched a nappy while I walked out into the hallway, straw coloured fluid spotting the carpet. Thankfully Jack didn’t wake with my yelling despite the fact that he had been asleep right beside me. I placed my hand against my vagina to try to stem the flow of fluid. I quick smell confirmed that it was amniotic fluid and not semen. Glenn returned with a nappy and helped me dress. Once the nappy was in place I had another strong contraction. I focused once again on opening up and visualised my baby moving down, down, down. I called my Doula to tell her that I was in labour and could she please meet me at the Birth Centre. I had another contraction soon after and knew then that our baby was going to be born at home. Yes! Glenn came to support me through this contraction and I felt his presence exaggerated the pain. I really needed to be alone during contractions or the pain worsened. I didn’t tell him that I wasn’t going to go to the Birth Centre so as to keep him busy with packing the car. This allowed me to labour completely alone. I have a vivid memory of looking up at him as he walked towards the front door carrying a tripod and the camera, thinking to myself ‘what are you doing??!!’ He was in total denial that we were freebirthing and continued packing the car. This memory still makes me laugh and has become a bit of a funny story amongst our family and friends.

I decided to try timing contractions. I had two with four minutes between them and then another pretty soon after which had me yelling out ‘I’m pushing!!!!!’ Glenn was out at the car and I wanted him there to help me catch the baby as I was standing on hard, cold lino. The strong pressure sensations were telling me that I needed to go to the toilet so I raced down to the loo. I sat there and pushed and felt a really unpleasant stretching sensation. Thinking to myself how horrid it felt to push out that ‘poo’ I stopped pushing and stood up to wipe my bottom. The nappy was free of poo but had a huge blob of mucus and blood. I thought looking at it, ‘oooh, so that’s what a show looks like. Wow!!’ I knew that this baby was very close to being born. I then had another contraction, possibly only about my 6th all together and pushed and roared. ‘I’m pushing’ I yelled. ‘I’m pushing!!!!’ I heard Glenn’s voice from behind me say’ it’s okay, sweety, I’m here.’ I think it was at this point that Glenn yelled out ‘call an ambulance, Liz.’ My mother had arrived and was in the lounge room, knees shaking. I felt charged with excitement and was also a little fearful as I knew this was it! Our baby was coming right now and it was just Glenn and I there and nobody else. I was still a little confused as the sensations were still telling me ‘poo’ but I also knew I was pushing out my baby. I was more concerned at that point with pooing on the carpet than I was with catching the baby, which I felt I could do by myself at that point. How could this be happening so quickly? I had only had a handful of contractions; all pretty mild in intensity. And what about transition? Where was that? Where were the feelings of total exhaustion and desperation and the feeling that I could not do this? I’d had earache more painful and exerted more energy walking up a hill! How could I be pushing already? I placed my hands over my vagina and could feel the baby’s head there. I recall saying to Glenn ‘catch the poo.’ He put slight pressure on my bottom to catch the ‘poo’ as he wasn’t aware that I was actually pushing out the baby at that point. I told him ‘don’t touch, doon’t toooouch!!!!,’ as I found this pressure to be really painful. I was aware that he still didn’t know I was pushing out the baby then and there and felt enormous excitement at the surprise he was going to get when I presented our baby to him! I continued pushing with both my hands over my baby’s head as she slowly emerged. Very little exertion was needed to push her head out and I felt I could have pushed her out in one push but reminded myself to be careful to push her head out slowly so as to avoid a tear. Her warm, damp head felt tiny which was reassuring and was born easily with very little pain. Pushing her head out felt ecstatically wonderful and is a sensation that I hope never to forget! At that point the memory of Jack’s birth entered my head and I felt more eager to get her out quickly. Jack was born with his arm alongside his head and got quite stuck. I didn’t want this happening again at home without a midwife present. I felt the baby’s shoulder emerge, followed by the other shoulder.

My hands remained on her the whole time until she was born completely. Glenn helped catch her but I don’t recall feeling his hands on her as she was born. He told me later that she was born with her hand alongside her head too as Jack was. I am not entirely convinced if this for several reasons. First, she was too easy to push out for a compound arm to be involved. Secondly, I had my hands on her the whole time and I never felt her arm beside her head. And thirdly, he was too busy ‘poo catching’ to realise I was pushing out the baby so by the time he reached down to catch her, her head, a shoulder and an arm were born. Jessica Rose Lotus was born at 2.18am on the 8th of October. Our baby was a lovely colour, nice and pink, with dark hair just as I had seen in my vision and in my dream. She cried straight after she was born but I could hear she had quite a bit of mucus in her mouth and a little in her airway. I held her facing downwards to help drain the mucus. I then asked Glenn to grab a blanket and we draped it over her to keep her warm. Baby Jessica, born outside the toilet Soon after I looked up to see Katherine and Charlotte were standing in front of me looking a little tentative. I announced the obvious, ‘The babys here! Come and have a look!’ I asked Charlotte to please fetch a hat for the baby to wear. She returned with a cute lemon yellow hat which Jack had worn as a newborn. It had little rabbits on it and the words, ‘coming ready or not.’ We laughed at the appropriateness of her choice as labour turned out to have been only 18 minutes long! The bowl is there ready for the placenta Jessica had her first breastfeed at around this point but she wasn’t feeding for long before I had to take her off the breast to change position as I was in quite a bit of discomfort with after pains and a sore bottom from sitting on the hard floor.

Glenn fetched the large cushion that I had chosen during the pregnancy for the baby to be born onto so I didn’t have to worry about dropping her as she was born in to my hands. He placed it under my bottom and this helped with my discomfort. At around this time I became aware that my mother was there and had heard the birth from the lounge room as she had not wanted to enter our birthing space. I had told her during my pregnancy that I really needed to be completely alone when birthing. I was so grateful that she respected my wishes! I asked could someone turn on the heater as it was so cold and I knew the importance of keeping not only baby warm after birth, but the mother also as this helps with appropriate hormone release. My mum was holding Charlotte’s leg. She was very shaken by the whole experience, as she wasn’t expecting a freebirth! About twenty minutes after Jessica was born the ambulance officers arrived. Glenn asked me if I wanted them there. I really couldn’t see the point in having them there and said that if they were male, they were to leave, if not, they could come on in. They were both women and one of them knew my mother which was nice. Mum said to them that I really did know what I was doing and that they were probably not needed. They were very respectful of my privacy and I am grateful for that. They waited around for a while for the placenta and I didn’t like the pressure I felt to produce something for them. I wanted to do it in my own time. I told myself that’s exactly what I would do. This is MY birthing space and the paramedics really were not putting pressure on me, I was putting pressure on myself. After a while, they asked me how long I thought they should leave it to birth the placenta and I told them as long as it takes. They said they would leave and return should I need them. I was very relieved to hear that. Jack had been up and racing around excitedly, welcoming his new baby sister and chatting to everyone. I birthed the placenta alone, two hours after the birth. Jessie’s cord was still attached to her as she lay before me on the mattress Glenn had moved into the hallway so that I could rest comfortably. By this time the cord felt very cold as it rested on my thigh. I had very strong afterpains and it helped a lot to push with them. The placenta came out in a huge warm ball. I lifted it into a bowl and it was so soft I felt it might break up in my hands.

My midwife arrived immediately after the placenta was born and it was really lovely to see her. She wrapped the placenta and placed it in a bag so I could cuddle with Jessica, on sofa bed in the lounge room. Jessie lay on my chest snuggled up to me and her placenta but was not interested in feeding. She was tired and slept for hours. A few hours passed and Jack, Katherine, Charlotte, Glenn and I all gazed and admired our newest family member. Victoria told us she was going to leave and did we want to cut the cord now or did we want to do the full lotus birth? I felt that I wanted the cord cut as long as it was done sensitively. Glenn cut the cord very slowly while we watched Jessica for any signs of discomfort or distress. She winced a little as the last bit of cord was cut and then continued sleeping. I do feel looking back that we should have left the cord un-cut a little longer given Jessica’s reaction. Cord is cut. Getting dressed for the first time. Victoria left and family life went on a usual. Now the happy tears really start flowing. After this birth experience, I feel extremely fulfilled as a birthing woman. I have had my ideal birth and it went without a hitch. It felt so natural to have a baby at home alone the way we did and I don’t think I could birth any other way. I believe to have had anybody else present during labour, even Glenn, would have slowed labour and may even have resulted in complications because I really need to birth completely alone. I feel very empowered and extremely happy.