My son’s birth keeps playing over and over, so I sat down and re wrote his birth …

My daughter was 13mths when I fell pregnant the second time. I was charting my cycles so I knew we had sex around ovulation, so we had a pretty high chance that we conceived. I couldn’t wait I just had this overwhelming need to find out right there and then ‘was I pregnant’. I did a pregnancy test maybe 3 days later with a negative result, but I wasn’t comforted by that result as you know like a positive is even going to show, I then went and had a blood test but still to no avail it came back negative, then one weeks later I had an ultra sound still that came back negative, but yet I couldn’t get out of my head that I was pregnant. I was going crazy or thought I was certainly heading that way. I still kept charting my temperature as I was still waiting for my periods, by 3 weeks after ovulation my temperature was no decreasing – which is an indication of menstrual starting –in fact it kept on rising. So out of sheer desperation I sneaked to the chemist bought yet another pregnancy test and did it in secret so my husband couldn’t see how far gone I really was, and lo and behold it came back positive! Although intuitively I knew I was pregnant it was still a shock to see those two blue lines. I wasn’t crazy after all.

And from then on my whole journey of pregnancy with my son was all about trusting me and trusting my intuition.

I chose to not go for any antenatal visit or have any medical antenatal care. I trusted myself to be in tune to know how things where going and I wanted to keep this experience as intimate and as spiritual as I could. I knew that once I let Dr’s start poking me my pregnancy would loose its sacredness.

It was an amazing experience to watch my body swell with life, to experience and worship every pregnant symptom with joy and trust, to innately know that I was so capable and specifically designed to grow and nurture this life within me, and one day when they where ready they would emerge with the same ecstasy and love that conceived their life. I journeyed through my pregnancy not dictated by my weeks or due date, I simply was pregnant and knew that my baby would emerge when it was time.

I was planning a free birth, a homebirth with no medical attendance; we planed to have only the most intimate in the birthing space, myself my husband and daughter.

I spent the remaining weeks working through my fears and trust issues about my body; I had a couple of false labor starts, but each one unearthed another fear that I worked through in preparation for the big day.

Finally one day I had regularly contraction throughout the day, after so many false starts I didn’t think much of it and just continued with my day. I did the shopping, and as I shopped I unconsciously bought food that my husband could prepare for himself. Nearing to the end of the day the contraction picked up a little bit, and I was waiting for my daughter to go to sleep so I could plug in and feel what was going on.

My daughter stayed up later that night until 8.30pm as soon as she fell asleep the contraction regulated to about 3-4 minutes apart.

My husband had a big day at work so I didn’t harass him just yet but I let him know things had started, I had a feeling that this baby was posterior so I said it would be awhile yet.

I lay down on the mattress in the lounge room and watched some TV with my husband and with each surge I got up on all fours leaning on the birth ball, then lay backed down when they had finished.

At one stage it felt like all I was doing was getting up and down onto the birth ball with not much rest in between. The TV noise started to bother me so I then made a little ‘nest’ in the spare room I switched the lights off and lit candles in the bathroom and the spare room and labored by myself.

I started to moan through the contraction and I remember thinking that I had to find another way to deal with the intensity of these surges, as I believe that I still had another 12 hours to go.

I tried the shower for awhile and that was bliss, I knew from early in the pregnancy that I wanted hot running water. I stayed in there for a little while but came out as I wanted to preserve the hot water for when it came closer to birthing time.

At about 11.30pm my husband said he was going to try and get some sleep, but I said no your not you have to help me now.

The surges where just magic I found my breathing rhythm it was a “shshshshshssh” sound it was so powerful it allowed me to surrender to my body and free my thoughts while a surge was working.

I still had this urge for hot running water, so I hopped back into the shower but soon enough the hot run out, so my husband started boiling kettles and boiling huge pots of water on the stove while I positioned myself on my hands and knees in our very small square bathtub.

For while it was enough, after a bit though being in this possy required me to work too much while a surge, surged. I wanted to be free to just be and not have to worry about putting hot nappies on my back. And still I had this voice wanting hot running water, running water. I believed that I still had many hours to go – because of baby being posterior – I asked hubby to call hospital and see if they had cover for us to go there.

It was all fine it was about 12am when he called surges where about 2 minutes apart, and the midwife said we should start making our way up, I told her No this baby is posterior I still had a while to go.

Within half hour surges where fantastically working so hard I told dh to call someone to come and be with our daughter as I really needed to get to “hot running water” I had to listen to myself, I couldn’t ignore it anymore

By 1am we reached the hospital. By this time I was in birthing heaven, I lost time and space and it was just me and baby we where one we where working together, with each “shshshshshsh” I asked him to turn around for me asked my cervix to stretch and open and I kept affirming to myself “you can do this, you are doing this” I was one with every women who ever gave birth before, I was woman.

As soon as we got upstairs to the birthing suit I went straight to the shower and let that hot running water submerged me with hot goodness. I loved it, I never experienced such power such love and trust in myself before, and with every surge I was being reborn.

I soon felt my body pushing, still believing that my baby was posterior I thought it was just because of his positioning, so I checked my cervix and I was about 6cm, just as I thought and when I extended my middle finger I could feel that top of my baby’s head, bliss.

The next surge fully dilated my cervix, then the next surge after that I felt my baby’s head fall into my pelvis, what a feeling it felt like a soccer ball and I had to straighten out one of my legs to make room for his exit.

For a split second the room was quiet no one talked it was just me and the electricity the absolute life giving power that swell inside of me, it was so great that I asked for my hubby’s hand, as soon as we connected I felt safe once more to allow this energy to surge through me; and with it my water broke as my baby head was born. And quickly the next power surge turned my baby I felt his shoulder turn as the rest of him journeyed into my arms.

“Oh my baby boy” welcome welcome.

You are born and I have emerged a woman, thank you your gift is priceless.